Think Pink

I'm Suing You

first of all suing is a weird word, and I can't decide if it's grammatically correct or not **hits spell check--yes it is**.  I may sue the english language.  You'll understand why in a moment.

My friend Angie (whom I cannot LINK because of her XANGA LOCK issues--I am suing Xanga) mentioned a lawsuit where these are the complaints:

pain and suffering
mental anguish
embarrassment
loss of enjoyment of life

and that is when I realized, dude.  Why work? Because after really a fairly crappy emotional week, I am ready to get rich.

I tripped on the sidewalk going to get the mail.  That equals embarrassment.  I'm suing the city (sidewalks), the state (poor funding for the city) anyone who is late paying their property taxes (cuts down on road upkeep), and the USPS (I was going to get my mail)

I also was made to look like I made a vocal mistake two weeks ago in the worship set when really it was an instrumental mistake.  More embarrassment.  I am Suing my church for having worship.  Charles and Mel for being the worship leaders. The elders for hiring the worship leaders. All the instrumentalists, because I don't know which one it was who messed me up but I am sure they were in on it together.  I would sue the youth pastor for doing a poor job raising every single member of the youth group and therefore causing parents (IE the worship leaders) distraction from their jobs causing my vocal faux pas, but the youth pastor is my husband.  So that is counter-productive.

Leann used harsh language with me today. Law Suit.  There was definite mental anguish involved.

I am suing my children for future earnings, and garnishing their allowances. I had c-sections and long labors (pain and suffering).  Parenting itself meets all the other criteria.  They owe me.

I am suing the state of Indiana for being so far away from me that I can't get to Nattie.  I am suing Georgia, Tennessee and Kentucky, for standing between me and Nattie.  I am suing the Federal Government for anguish inducing geography problems.  I am suing the American Medical Association for the existence of cancer. And I am suing Satan for tempting Eve and starting all this illness crap to begin with.

So, if you are reading this don't be surprised when your lawsuit paperwork comes in the mail.  You owe me, and it's time to pay up.  I don't care what your excuse is.  Mental anguish and loss of enjoyment of life.  You are all guilty.  I'm suing you.

and then--I'm going to kick Wes's ....well, it rhymes with grass.

Beautiful Collision

No Tackle It today. I am tackling too many other things internally to take on a big project right now.  I was rudely reminded a short while ago that hurricane season is now only nine days away (never mind the fact that we are already on the 'B' name-- I ASSURE YOU THAT WAS NOT A TROPICAL STORM *snort*), so it is conceivable that I could do a hurricane season plan tackle.  Maybe.  I feel stormy enough to take that on.

This isn't about me.  I know it isn't, and I won't be talking about it in this way anymore after today.  I really thought that walking with my Dad through cancer was the hardest thing I ever did.  This experience may prove to be a close second.  It's one thing to be a cancer advocate.  It's another when it's one of your closest friends, or a parent for whom you are called to stand in the gap.

God and I are having some words.  Mainly I am having the words and He is loving me despite myself.  I know the pat answers.  God is soveriegn; His hand is in this; He can heal regardless of what Dr's say.  I know it.  I've lived it.  But that doesn't mean I like it. And there really isn't any call to lie about that to the God who knows the depths of me.  I'm fortunate that He's more in the grace than the smiting business these days, and that the f-bomb isn't taking His name in vain. (I am well aware that some of you just prayed for my soul--don't bother, it's covered)

Last night I handled it in the normal way.  I made totally inappropriate jokes  with Nat about cancer cards, and being bald and a permanent brazilian (hair loss means ALL YOUR HAIR, folks, not just the stuff on your head).  We giggled and guffawed and she probably had more peace than I did about the whole thing.  That seems to be the way of it; giving yourself up into the hands of the almighty is ever easier than giving up the lives of those you love. And I do love my Nattie Pie.
In the end it was music that gave me the words I needed.  I love David Crowder.  He knows what it's like to give a friend into the Lord's hands as well.

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury filled and we... collide

So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I ...collide

Something circling inside,
Spaciously you fly
Infinite and wide,
Like the moon and sky

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where you begin and there I am now
You and I

Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now
Here it comes a beautiful collision
Collide

The Rules

I really think life should come with a rule book.  Some of the rules should be these:

*Parents don't die from cancer

*Best friends don't get cancer

In fact, cancer shouldn't even be part of the book.  Who the hell even came up with that crap anyway?

I hate cancer. I hate it.  And I always will.

Pray for my Natalie, please.

Beginnings

All good plans have to start somewhere, yes? Yes, they do.  I could leap into this summer without a plan or a focus, but I am not sure that would be the optimal use of my time, and I would, no doubt, attempt to change everything all at once and end up changing nothing at all.  There are areas that I desire to change, but I need to focus only on a few at a time of I will become overwhelmed.  This week I will begin with three things:

*exercise.  Gotta do it my friends.  Don't wanna, but gotta.  A friend and I are working together to make this happen for both of us.  Along with exercise will be intentional eating.  When I am not being lazy about food prep, I eat healthfully so I need to take steps again for intentional menu plans.

*evening routine.  I spend too much time on the computer at night.  I need to have a cut off time so that I don't then climb into bed at 11pm and decide I need to read for two hours.  If I want to get up earlier, I have to go the bed at a decent hour, and I need to get up earlier so I have time to exercise, and blog, and hopefully start doing a bit of the housework before the kiddos get up. This week I plan to turn the computer off at 7 pm each night. **fingers crossed**

That is my focus for this week.  Other things that I need to work on over the summer:

* summer Bible reading/ reading plan.  I'd like to tackle several Christian books this summer.  I'd like to map that out.

*finances.  Next time I get gas it will be OVER $3 DOLLARS! I ask you, how insane is that? if gas prices don't improve the kickback is going to be the cost of EVERYTHING going up.  It's frightening.  I would like to plan for this and work on tightening MY spending and cut back where I can.  Considering we are driving over 3,000 mi this summer, I need to do all I can.

*school.  I want to have a nice school routine and plan for the summer implemented for June and July.  My children have just come to realize that they won't be getting a three month break.  Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I hope to get a routine down where everything is covered in around 2-2.5 hours leaving lots of time for the fun stuff.

*continue streamlining my daily routine so there is more time for the "fun stuff." PLAN actual "fun stuff" with my kids.  I think we are going to start "Monday Night at the Movies" this week and let it carry us through the summer.

I know other things will come up as I go along, but this let's me start my brain moving in the right direction, at least.  This week I am actually not on the worship team so I have a whole week of very little MUST DO'S stretched out before me.  I want to make the most of it, not only with my accomplishments but with my leisure time as well. 

The Beauty of Simplicity

"Tis a joy to be simple, tis a joy to be free, tis a joy to come down where we ought to be..." - excerpt from an old Shaker hymn titled "Simple Gifts"

My darling and perky (hee hee) friend Joanne introduced me to a song, oh, several years ago now, that I have to listen to once every few days because it makes me happy. It's called "The Beauty of Simplicity."  I think listen to it because deep in my heart of hearts, what I really want is for everything to just. be. simple. That is what I desire.  A simple faith, a simple marriage without complications, a simple educational focus for my children, a simple plan, simple friendships, simple choices, simple priorities.  Doesn't that sound delicious to you?

It seems sometimes as though I am always on the quest for simplicity but I think this summer, I truly am going to narrow my focus to those things that would truly help me to be more simple minded.  I will be blissfully free of most outside responsibilities beginning in just a few weeks, which will allow me the freedom to narrow my focus, to pull in, to prioritize without having to cut people off.  Even better, my husband will be absent a good portion of the summer.  That doesn't mean I won't miss him, because I will, but it will allow me to focus a bit just on me: to sort, to sift, to think, to be.  When Craig is here what I want to do is be with him, talk to him, snuggle with him,  but hopefully a little time spent on myself will result in more and better time with the hunky hubby when he is home.

What does this mean for you? Well it means a lot of my focus here will be introspective (read: self-centered), rhetorical and probably a little bit circular.  But I know I am not the only one out there who wants life to be a little bit simpler, a little bit less hectic, a little more purposeful.  If that's you maybe you'll find something here that will help, or maybe you will share something that can help me.  At the very least, I hope you'll just keep popping in.

It's the beauty of simplicity that brings me down to my knees
I'll praise You for eternity ,and Lord I love You
Because You, You first loved me

It's the beauty of simplicity that fills me with eternity
I've tasted Your divinity, and Lord I love You
Because You, You first loved me

Chorus:
And all God's people say:
We, we love You

we love You Lord

we love You
And we, we love You

we love you Lord

we love You
We love You


You gave Yourself away just that I could stay
You took my place in death and rose that I could say
That You are Holy and You alone deserve my praise

Thursday 13- Thirteen Events Since I Last Blogged

See? I told you.  Stress turns me into a hermit of the worst kind.  I don't blog; I don't play; I don't email.  Hermit.  Plus there were many hours of celebration and merry-making. And as always, reading.  But I will attempt to share with you as best I can what happened in the interim here:

1. My part in the whole saga of worship team is over.  And I am truly hoping that it helps to solve some larger kinks.  Kinks happen in a church that is growing as rapidly as ours, the challenge is working them out in love and keeping our focus on the goal. 

2. One adorable child turned SEVEN! my baby child is seven years old.  That hardly seems possible.

3. In celebration of said birthday, I did something I said I would never do: I stood in line outside a store for an hour, waiting for it to open so I could buy a particular toy.  I don't know if your kids are part of the Webkinz craze, but mine are, and you just can't find them easily because of the demand.  However a wee little toy and hobby store in town received a shipment of about 100 of the little guys, and I bought two of them.  We made a birthday girl very happy.

4. We had a Tropical Storm.  Despite the fact that weather people here assured us, "This is not a tropical storm."  It looked like a tropical storm; it acted like a tropical storm.  It didn't seem to care that "the ocean waters were not warm enough to support a tropical storm."  Personally, I don't think weather systems ought to be allowed to roam about if they can't follow the meteorological rules.  (eye roll).

5.  I had a cancerversary.  Year eleven to be exact.  Life is very good.

6. A tree blew down in the yard.  A very. big. tree.  Fortunately another tree caught it and held it for us so that it didn't wreak total havoc.  We had to have people come in and remove it lest it take out two neighbors' fences when the other tree could no longer hold it.  We have very, very kind, good and helpful friends.  It was a $1,000 job...we paid considerably less than that.

7. I had a BIRFDAY!!!! and it was delightful.  The darling Princesses dressed me in royal birthday queen regalia first thing (pink feather boa, birthday wand and pink tiara).  There were hours of blissful, smoke-free solitude on the hammock in the backyard (a far distance from the downed tree since it still wasn't taken care of at the time).  There were rummy fruit drinks.  Gifts galore were received.  Dinner was amazingly yummy, and I didn't cook even the littlest bit of it.  It was a perfect day. *happy sigh.*

8. I got to meet the lovely and adorable Antonia from Denton, Texas! Her husband and one of her many lovely children (and she has a passel) came over from Orlando where they spent the week, and went to church with me Sunday.  Not only is she sweet as anything, she's short like me! It's always very exciting to meet another shorty.

9. Mother's Day. more pampering, spoiling, gifting and not cooking.  My children were certainly not altogether happy about their mommy having an entire weekend of celebration.  I told them if they had planned their own births more carefully they could have worked it into a weekend gig as well.  Heh.

10. MY BOOK CAME! MY BOOK CAME! MY BOOK CAME!  The Five Gifts of Illness by Jill Sklar.  It's beautiful, and so wonderfully written and I AM PART OF THE BOOK. And it arrived shortly after my cancerversary, and it's just the coolest thing ever ever ever ever ever ever and I am in loooooooooove with it.

11. I made out my summer months calendars.  There are three days in June where someone in this family isn't gone.  Three. Days.  That stinks. Go hug your youth pastor's wife right now, because you have no idea how sucky her summers are, unless you yourself are a youth pastor's wife, in which case, wanna come hang out with me at the beach fora month? Because I don't have a husband in June.

12. I tried something new.  I bought all my cleaning supplies for the summer in one fell swoop.  We get to claim them as part of our housing allowance for taxes, so rather than try and sort and pick through the bi-weekly grocery receipt, I just got everything all at once.  $70.  Good grief.  It BETTER last us through the summer or we will simply live in squalor because I refuse to spend more.

13. I started a babette blanket.  It's a present for someone who doesn't read this blog but is having a baby soon soon soon.  I am not working on it fast enough though so I have to get cracking on it!

There you have it.  My riveting life.  Aren't you glad I gave it to you in one nice little list rather than dragging it out over the entire week?

BEST BIRTHDAY EVAH!

I had a MARVYFANTABOULOUSRRIFIC birthday! And I have SO MUCH to talk about--but we are leaving in jsut a few moments so I just wanted to brag about this:

I JUST RECEIVED A PHONECALL FROM MRS. AGK HERSELF complete with BIRTHDAY LOVE!!!!!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

it's like being famous--only better! She's is getting BAPTIZED TOMORROW (mostly as a present to me ;)  ).  Go give her a big old YAHOO!

Or....not

First things first.  On Sunday May 6th at 11am my littlest girl was baptized into Christ by her Daddy.  There will be other things in this post, but if you don't read anything else, I wanted to share that.  We have the whole thing on video tape and will share as soon as we pull it from the camera.  I jokingly tell people that my work as a parent now is done, and my children are ready to join the world.  That's obviously not true, but there is a certain excitement in knowing that my greatest, most fervent desire has been secured.  My children know the Lord as their personal Savior.  I will never teach them a greater lesson, now we all must simply work together to walk in that.

I know we've all heard the saying that "there's two sides to every story."  Unfortunately sometimes there are far more than that, sometimes there are three, four, even five sides to a story, sometimes truth is a found somewhere in the center of a big knot of mistakes, reactions, misunderstandings and misperceptions.  I am not quitting the worship team.  This..situation is far from resolved, and I am not finished with speaking my mind about it to some parties, not blasting away like an angry harpy, but expressing my hurt, my disappointment and what I think was simply a series of wrong actions that could have been handled so differently: encouraging, building and instructing rather than discouraging, dictating and reprimanding. 

God was very near this weekend, showing me many things.  He spoke; He confirmed; He encouraged and restored.  At one point, this really wise youth pastor I am occasionally associated with was talking to the youth and he asked them what they think sin is.  They gave many different answers but it boiled down to sin being anything that separates us from God.  So then he says, he also thinks that sin is anything that distracts us from the purpose that God has for our lives.

Have you ever had that feeling like God just tossed a ton of bricks right into your Spirit? Because that's kind of what it felt like to me.  I know what my purpose is, without a doubt.  If I allow anyone to distract me from that, if I shift my focus from my purpose to my problems and react based on that, I am slipping into sin.  Life is hard enough without getting off on the bumpy by-ways of the world.  At least I know, even when I can't see the destination, that when I am walking God's path, He has made the way smooth for me.

So, that is the end of the story, or maybe just the beginning.....only time will tell.

Waiting Here

Some days, all you need is a song:

Everything will work out
Everything will work out
For Your glory
I know You’ll use it all

Fall upon Your mercy
Call upon Your kindness
Will You come to me
And search my heart again

And I’m on my knees waiting here for You
In Your holy place
And my heart is home
In Your courts oh Lord
How I long for You

--Reuban Morgan

Quitter

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Gal. 1:10

I knew that it was going to come back and get me eventually:  my inability to keep my mouth shut, to just go with the flow and make everybody happy and just be a shiny, happy Christian.  As much as I don't think it is my job to go around picking at faults and pointing out specks, I still feel that sometimes a spade should be called a spade.  It's not a stance that has ever made me terribly popular, but today it truly cost me. What really sucks about the entire thing is that it was avoidable.  If at any time even one person had heard me, beyond "Oh there's Dana, rocking the boat," if I hadn't been told basically "this is how it is, do it or quit." I wouldn't have..well....quit. But that is what I did, at least temporarily though I have small hope that anything will change during my "three month sabbatical."  With tears falling and hands literally shaking so badly I could barely type the words, I crafted my letter of resignation, and I hit send, and it was done.

What does a worship leader do, when she doesn't lead worship anymore? I guess she relearns what it's like to worship without everyone looking, and maybe, that's exactly what she needs.

I don't think this step will make me a shiny happy Christian, but it allows me to hold my head up because I stand behind the things that I know to be true: the appearance of "Holy Christian" means nothing if my heart isn't in it.  That leadership should back the heart and not the surface, and that sometimes, the message you don't want to hear, maybe, is the one that is of most importance.

Today sucked, but I'm going to heal.  Because I know the Healer of hearts is with me.

i can always tell a liar
and i always know a thief
i know them like my family
because brother i’m the chief
i’m a dangerous crusader
because i need to tell the truth
so i’m turning over tables
i’m my own living room

then i might nail indictments up
on every door in town
because it’s not right or safe to let my conscience down
so i don’t care if...

nobody loves me, nobody loves me
nobody loves me but you

the truth is never sexy
so it’s not an easy sell
you can dress her like the culture
but she’ll shock ‘em just as well
because she don’t need an apology for being who she is

and she don’t need your help making enemies
so i don’t care if...nobody loves me, nobody loves me
nobody loves me but youi’ll do whatever it takes to squeeze us into this wedding gown
i’ll say the words that rattle your nerves
words like sin and faith alone

                                                                     ---derek webb